Are you personally ready to join the LS?

Are you personally ready to join the LS?

So your friend told you all about the swinger life, or as those of us in it like to call it, The Lifestyle (LS for short). They say it’s like a free pass in monogamy.. You get to have sex with people other than your spouse. You get all the flirting and fun like a brand new relationship, but without all the worries of safety and security of being single. Can it really be that easy? That sounds like something in the land of make believe & erotic fairy tales.


Short answer - It’s not. While the LS can be fun, you make lots of friends, attend parties and get sexually driven with flirty messages, and hooking up with others, it can trigger some insecurities in your relationship & in yourself. Still want to join? Here are some things to consider as you step into the world of non-monogamy and the swinger life.


  1. What types of play & style of play are you looking for? (Friends First, Hook Up, Couples Only, Threesomes and Moresomes, Solo Play, Same Room/ Separate Room) - Are you looking for friends you can do ‘vanilla’ things with then go play? Would you rather meet someone at a club, play and then never connect again? Do you want to see your spouse have sex with other people (same/ separate room)? See #2! Do you want to go out individually or stay together as a couple meeting people? If you are single, what types of people do you want to connect with albeit play with a couple of play alone? It’s important to have an idea where you want to start in this space as you connect with potential play partners.

  2. How do you feel about seeing your partner have sex (or flirt or kiss) in front of you? - take a second - picture it.. Does it put a smile on your face (compersion), or does it make you angry or sick to your stomach (jealousy or insecurity)? All of these feelings are normal. How you feel and what you want in play can help you determine things like same room sex or having separate places you play away from your partner. How are you planning on dealing with your insecurities that pop up?

  3. Do you have free time to chat & talk & go out on dates? The LS takes time. Be sure you have some if you want to be successful. Joining websites, setting up profiles, going on dates, going to clubs, texting back and forth all take time. What you put in will make a difference in what you get out of it.

  4. Rules & Communication - This is the most important item! You need to have some ideas of rules for yourself & your partner. These will change as you step into the LS. Can you kiss others? Are condoms required? Each play connection will bring up more questions that you will need to discuss with your partner and any future play connections you make. COMMUNICATION is the heart of the LS. Sit down and hash this out before connecting with others. This will evolve as you progress. People are looking for others to line up with their rules. Be clear with what your desires and rules are, and what are deal breakers. It will save a lot of time for you & others when you communicate it well.

  5. Ready to have the STI talk with your doc? - The LS is a community. It is our responsibility to each other to prevent STI’s & STD’s wherever possible. You owe it to yourself & members of the community to be regularly tested. Condoms slip, things happen. It is very common for people to ask when your last testing was done. Expect these questions from potential play partners. Get tested regularly.

  6. Why are you doing this & what do you want out of it? Are you thinking the LS will fill in the gaps from all the things your partner doesn’t give you? Do you think a play partner can substitute for your marriage? Is your relationship solid to be able to challenge insecurities that will arise? Expecting the LS to fix the things you haven’t in monogamy will only give you both stress, heartache and heartbreak. If you have gaps in your marriage, the LS won’t fix them, it will highlight them and head you to marriage therapy, or worse, divorce. The LS is not a place to work out your marriage failings! Take the time with your partner to discuss all the ideas of what you're hoping to have thre LS bring to your life. Are you looking for individual exploration? Maybe you are bisexual and finding a same sex partner will help you explore that. Maybe you have always been curious about the dating scene, but married early and want to explore it in a safer way. Make sure you are on the same page before exploring.

Just remember, you can step in the lifestyle and you can step out. Always do right by you and the commitments you have made. You might make the best friends you have ever had in your life and have a ball doing it. It’s pretty awesome to fuck your friends.

There will be many questions that will arise as you explore. Find community to talk these things through. Learn from others' experiences to help guide your path. Just remember, you can step in the lifestyle and you can step out. Always do right by you and the commitments you have made. You might make the best friends you have ever had in your life and have a ball doing it. It’s pretty awesome to fuck your friends.

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